Communication Archives - Couples Therapy NZ | Relationship help in Auckland New Zealand

17Dec 2020 by Nic Beets No Comments

Being “logical” isn’t always rational

blogs, Communication, Relationships, Self-awareness

Do you try hard to stay “logical” or “rational” when talking or disagreeing with someone? On the surface this looks like a good idea – we want decisions made on factual information, not just emotions. But, as fans of Star Trek will know, this is a doomed enterprise (pun fully intended, with apologies). What we usually acheive is the exact opposite of being rational. When I talk in an “unemotional” way, what I actually do is disown and deny the feelings that are the motivation for my opinion. Emotion researcher Karla Mclaren (https://karlamclaren.com) stresses that emotions are a fundamental part of our cognitive system. In other words, emotions are another way our brain sends us messages just like our senses do. We can’t think without feeling. When we present our…

29May 2020 by Nic Beets No Comments

Getting to resolution: In praise of persistence, persuasion & openness

blogs, Communication, Intimacy, Relationships

For many of us, it’s hard to know what we want, let alone express it to our life partner. If we are brave enough to actually tell our partner our preference/desire/fantasy, it can feel crushing when this is not met with immediate and enthusiastic acceptance. Yet, the truth is we are always attracted to someone who is different from us. An inevitable result is that our partner will see things differently, will have different preferences, and organise their priorities in ways that are alien to us. This creates conflict. It doesn’t mean there is anything going wrong. This is where we need to be persistent. To hold on to what we think, want, or feel and keep treating it as important and worthwhile. Yet, just to make the business of…

22Mar 2020 by Paula Dennan No Comments

Supporting your relationship through Covid 19

Relationships, Communication, Covid-19, Intimacy

As this event unfolds we recognize the increased stress that many of us are feeling due to the uncertainty of the impact of Coronavirus on our own lives and those we love. This stress can challenge our relationships in numerous ways. Perry King, one of our team here at Couples Therapy NZ was interviewed by Mindfood and offered advice on being in self isolation with your partner https://www.mindfood.com/article/self-isolation-with-your-significant-other-advice-from-a-couples-therapist/ and another on caring for your kids during lockdown https://www.mindfood.com/article/a-therapists-advice-for-caring-for-kids-in-lockdown/. Furthermore a colleague of ours at The Couples Institute, Stacy Lee, has written two helpful blogs to support our relationships during this stressful time. In her first blog she raises our awareness of the normal struggles that we may face whilst in voluntary isolation (or in lock down) and offers tips on how…

03Dec 2019 by Nic Beets No Comments

Boundaries and Intimacy

Relationships, Communication, Intimacy, Self-awareness

This image encapsulates a really important lesson that many of us struggle to learn. If we want intimacy then we have to risk the vulnerability of authenticity, of being really honest. Among other things, being authentic means saying what is and isn't OK for you. That's what us therapist types mean when we talk about "setting boundaries" The right-hand column in this picture is a good summary of what happens if we don't do this. If we are not looking after ourselves by setting good boundaries we are likely to end up resentful and lonely. So why is it so difficult for many of us to set boundaries? Typically it is because (perhaps unconsciously) we don't believe we are good enough, important enough, loveable enough or safe enough to get…

20Jan 2019 by Nic Beets No Comments

Selfishness and Self-sacrifice by Nic Beets

Relationships, Communication, Self-awareness

Lots of couples have one person who is more self-centred and one who is more self-sacrificing. It can be very hard to acknowledge the unhelpfulness of these tendancies as there is a lot of judgment about these ways of being. Further more we have usually learned these ways of operating as a self-protection in our formative years and, as a result, just think these ways of being are “normal” and that being “selfish” or “selfless” must be more extreme than what I’m doing. To make matters even harder, if this is a long standing way of protecting yourself, it can be hard for us to imagine what the alternative is. Typically we fear that we will become like our partner (whose behaviour hurts and frustrates us). We fear that "If I’m not self-sacrificing then I’m…

07Dec 2018 by Paula Dennan No Comments

Love is a collaborative work of art… by Paula Dennan

Intimacy, Communication, Relationships

Intimacy is a word that is used widely and often as a way to describe sexuality. However it involves much more than how we experience our sexuality. Intimacy includes the sharing of tasks and interests, being emotionally in tune with each other and non-sexual forms of touching and closeness. It requires the capacity to work together and to connect with each other. It involves the deepest possible sharing of ourselves with our partner, mind, body and soul. This can grow in collaboration or stagnate over time. Intimacy can be uniquely constructed together and as such is a team creation. One way develop intimacy is to consider the various domains of intimacy. These domains offer a guide on areas that you can use to help you grow your connection. Any area…

20Oct 2018 by Paula Dennan No Comments

Fitness For Intimacy by Verity Thom

Intimacy, Communication, Relationships

Having a strong relationship requires both people to be able to keep themselves in a strong and resilient state. If you are burnt-out, overworking, neglecting your self-care either emotionally or physically, dealing with your stress in unwholesome ways like using a lot of alcohol and drugs, food, social media etc, then the chances are you aren’t in a fit state to offer your partner or relationship very much. If you are not looking after yourself then you are more likely to behave in a stressed, grumpy, irritable or depressed way. You are likely to have a shorter fuse or be shut down and withdrawn. So often the first step for couples wanting to improve their relationship with each other is to improve their relationship with themselves. Often people need to…

14Jun 2018 by Nic Beets No Comments

Why “I need you” is a deeply unsexy sentiment by Nic Beets

Communication, Intimacy, Relationships

As human beings and social animals we are wired to relate. Whether you are in a committed relationship or single, we all exist in a web of relationships with family, friends, lovers, workmates and communities. Given this, it is no wonder that we find it ourselves thinking or talking about relationships a lot of the time. In talking about relationships, have you ever noticed people describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or demanding? They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc. Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need you” is generally offered up in a movie or book as the ultimate declaration of love, the height of romance. We are encouraged to give ourselves up or surrender to our…

09Feb 2018 by Nic Beets No Comments

Deepening Intimacy through developing the levels of your discussions by Nic Beets

Communication, Intimacy, Relationships

Sometimes it can be really helpful to think about what “level” or “depth” your relationship discussions are at in order to avoid confusion and have the kind of connection your want. We tend to talk about three levels or types of conversation The first level is the most simple, straightforward kind of talk – where the focus is on the topic, is often called the CONTENT level. For example, we are having a discussion about whether we should try and take a vacation this winter OR how strict we need to be about our child’s bedtime. A useful way to share information and ideas. 2. If this discussion isn’t going well or we want to deepen connection then we can shift to talking about HOW we talk. This is called…

07Feb 2018 by Nic Beets No Comments

Aim for Intimacy not Closeness by Nic Beets

Communication, Intimacy, Relationships

A lot of people, including therapists, use the words “closeness” and “intimacy” as if they were interchangeable. It’s useful to separate their meanings out. "Closeness" is all warm and easy and comfortable and friendly. It’s the payoff for being in relationship – the fun stuff. In contrast, "intimacy" (“into-me-see”) is about knowing and being known “warts and all” – this is frequently the hard work part of relationship. Why is intimacy so often hard work? Well, you can’t have intimacy without vulnerability. So intimacy depends on interactions that are challenging, revealing, effortful and even scary. Closeness is about keeping things sweet so we can easily be in the same space. Intimacy needs to include learning about oneself growing and struggling with the less than ideal aspects of oneself and sharing…

Category: Communication